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What to Do If Your Helper Keeps Lying
Updated: Oct 9
Finding out that your helper has lied can shake the whole household. It is not only about the missing truth. It is about safety, trust, children, elderly parents, money, and the fact that everyone lives under one roof.
In Singapore, where many families rely on migrant domestic workers, this issue needs a calm and careful response. A lie about breaking a cup is different from a lie about leaving a child unattended, taking money, or meeting someone during working hours. The right next step depends on the pattern, the risk, and how you handle the conversation.
Start by separating the lie from the risk
Not every lie means the same thing. Before reacting, ask one question: what harm could this lie cause?
Low-risk lies may include:
Saying a chore was done when it was not
Hiding a small mistake out of fear
Giving a vague answer to avoid scolding
Saying “I forgot” when the real reason is embarrassment
Higher-risk lies include:
Leaving a child, elderly person, or person with special needs unattended
Lying about medication, cooking gas, appliances, or locked doors
Taking money or items and denying it
Bringing strangers into the home
Leaving the home without agreement
Lying about loan sharks, debt, or outside pressure
If the lie involves immediate danger, deal with the safety issue first. Check on children, elderly family members, medicine, keys, gas, appliances, and valuables. The conversation can wait until everyone is safe.
For serious matters involving safety, theft, threats, or abuse, contact the appropriate authorities in Singapore. This may include the police for urgent danger, or the Ministry of Manpower for domestic worker employment matters. This article is general information, not legal advice.
Look for the reason without excusing the behaviour
A helper may lie for reasons that do not make the lie acceptable, but still help you solve the problem.
Common reasons include fear of being scolded, fear of salary deduction, poor understanding of instructions, shame, pressure from family back home, outside debt, homesickness, or not knowing how to admit a mistake.
Some helpers also come from environments where saying “yes” to an employer feels safer than explaining the truth. In Singapore homes, this can create repeated problems. The employer thinks the helper is dishonest. The helper thinks the employer will explode if she admits anything.
That does not mean you should ignore lying. It means the first response should be controlled, clear, and firm.
A calm employer usually gets more truth than an angry one.
Have one private conversation, not a public confrontation
Do not confront your helper in front of children, relatives, neighbours, or guests. Public shame often makes people more defensive. It may also damage the working relationship beyond repair.
Choose a quiet moment. Keep your voice steady. Focus on facts.
You can say:
“Yesterday, you told me you had given the medicine at 8 pm. I checked and saw the medicine was still there. I need to understand what happened.”
Then stop talking and let her answer.
Avoid opening with labels such as “You are a liar” or “You always lie”. These make the conversation about character, not behaviour. You need the truth about what happened, and you need the behaviour to change.
If she admits it, acknowledge the honesty first.
“Thank you for telling me now. I still need to explain why this is serious.”
If she denies it, do not argue in circles. State what you know, why it matters, and what must change.
Make the rule clear and specific
After the conversation, give a simple rule.
For example:
If something breaks, tell me the same day.
If you forget a task, say so. Do not say it is done.
If you are unsure about medicine, cooking, or childcare, ask before acting.
If you need to leave the home for any reason, you must tell me first.
If anyone outside the home is pressuring you for money, tell me before it becomes worse.
Keep the message short. Too many rules at once can blur the point.
For serious duties, use written instructions. This helps both sides. A simple checklist for medication, school pick-up, meals, cleaning, or eldercare reduces the chance of “I thought you meant something else”.
Document repeated incidents
If your helper keeps lying, start keeping a factual record. This is not to trap her. It is to protect the household and avoid relying on memory.
Record:
Date and time
What was said
What happened
Any safety concern
What you told her afterwards
Whether the behaviour repeated
Keep the tone neutral. Write “said laundry was done, but wet clothes were still in basket”, not “lied again because she is irresponsible”.
This record can help if you later need to speak to an employment agency, counsellor, or MOM. It also helps you see whether the problem is improving or getting worse.
Do not use punishment that creates bigger problems
When trust breaks, it is tempting to punish quickly. Be careful.
Do not:
Withhold salary
Confiscate personal documents
Lock her in
Threaten or shout
Cut off food or rest
Use insults
Make unlawful salary deductions
Stop her from seeking medical help
These actions can create legal and ethical problems. They can also make lying worse because the helper becomes more afraid to tell the truth.
A better response is a clear consequence linked to the issue. For example, if she lies about a task, you may require her to update a checklist for a period of time. If she lies about phone use during childcare, you may set stricter phone rules during working hours, while still respecting her rest time and personal communication.
Involve the agency when the pattern continues
If you hired through an employment agency, contact them when the behaviour becomes repeated or serious. Explain the facts, not just your frustration.
Ask for help with mediation, counselling, or clarification in the helper’s language if needed. Sometimes the helper may speak more honestly with a neutral third party, especially if she is afraid of losing her job.
If there is a deeper issue, such as debt, family pressure, or adjustment stress, early help may prevent the situation from getting worse.
Know when trust cannot be repaired
Some working relationships recover after one honest conversation and clearer rules. Others do not.
You may need to consider ending the employment relationship if:
The lying continues after clear warnings
The lie involves safety of children, elderly persons, or vulnerable family members
Money or valuables go missing and the explanation keeps changing
She leaves the home without agreement
She brings others into the home without permission
You feel you can no longer leave dependants in her care
If you decide to end employment, follow Singapore’s rules and any contractual terms that apply. Work with the agency where relevant. Keep the process proper, calm, and documented.
Rebuild trust only with visible change
If you choose to continue, do not expect trust to return overnight. Look for behaviour, not promises.
Good signs include:
She admits mistakes faster
She asks when unsure
She follows written instructions
She stops changing her story
She accepts correction without becoming defensive
The same issue does not repeat
Your part matters too. Respond calmly when she tells the truth, even when the truth is inconvenient. If every admission leads to an explosion, the household teaches her that honesty is unsafe.
A helper who keeps lying needs firm boundaries, not panic. Start with facts, assess the risk, have one clear conversation, document the pattern, and involve the agency or authorities when needed. The goal is not to win an argument. The goal is a safe home where the truth can be said early, before small problems become serious ones.
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